Thanks to everyone who wrote me about part one of this little entry. I am glad so many folks used it as a way to help explain to their friends and family how this all feels.
Today I am going to finally get to that aforementioned question..."Why Don't You Date?"
Much of the reason is actually found in the previous entry.
When I met Holly, I was 32. I had never been married and had never even been close to it. I hadn't even dated anyone who I thought I'd ever ask to marry me.
So when love came knocking at my door...I was eager to answer.
Holly was, and is, a very special person. Far from perfect, as time would eventually reveal, but special. And she was beautiful and she took my breath away. I could make this the extended dance remix but in the interest of brevity I'll get to the point. I did it right, courted her and finally asked her to marry me. She said yes, we got married, 7 months later found out we were going to have a baby and moved to Nashville.
We had fights and bad days. We disappointed each other. It ended too soon and ended poorly. But I was in love with my wife, make no mistake. I dreamed dreams of doing heroic, romantic things to surprise her. I hoped to one day go back to her native Utah for a visit and have her friends pull me aside and tell me they were so glad she married me...that I'd been the guy they always thought she deserved. I lived to tuck my daughter in at night. I set goals of buying a home and building a life for them.
Only one person ever inspired me to that sort of endeavor, and so far, nobody else has ever come along who made me feel like breaking out that old suit of armor, bringing the white steed out of the barn and trying to be larger than life again.
I am sardonically cynical now, and maybe I will remain thus, I don't know.
I never stopped believing in marriage and love, and romance, even though my marriage failed and my romance wasn't enough to retain her love.
But I still think that's the way it ought to be and until it is again...what's the point of "dating"?
I am no longer in love with her, but until I meet that one person who will once again inspire me to goofiness in the name of love...I'll stay at home on Friday nights or go see my friend's band.
I'll never marry out of convenience or to merely stave off loneliness. That never ends well.
..."I'll be what I am...solitary man..."
This is the simple and abridged version...but it works for me right now.