Thursday, December 3, 2009

Tenth Anniversary edition...

No...I haven't been blogging for ten years. Not even close. But today is my tenth anniversary. Ten years ago today, I walked out of Davidson County 4th circuit court, into the bright winter sunlight, and I wasn't married anymore. Ten years. It's taken most of those years just to adjust to the divorce and accept the hurt and disappointment. I long ago stopped missing my ex wife but Dang...I miss being married. I miss the feeling that I really matter to someone. I selfish as this might sound...getting a Christmas present from someone who I am not related to by blood. It's not the present's the thought that goes into it. The idea that somebody was walking around in the mall or wherever and out of their deep, intimate knowledge of me and abiding love, they bought me something I really would enjoy. It's been 12 years since I received a gift like that. I miss mattering to somebody. I miss feeling complete in the way only marriage completes people. I miss dreaming dreams for someone and making plans and then working hard to see them come true. Working harder for their dreams than for my own. I miss my daughter an awful lot. Once a week and every other weekend has marked our relationship for 10 years now.
The future looks brighter, I am happier than I have ever been. But I will never get those ten years back. I wish I could. I will have to settle for using them to help other dad's like me. Have a great day, boys.