Thursday, December 3, 2009

Tenth Anniversary edition...

No...I haven't been blogging for ten years. Not even close. But today is my tenth anniversary. Ten years ago today, I walked out of Davidson County 4th circuit court, into the bright winter sunlight, and I wasn't married anymore. Ten years. It's taken most of those years just to adjust to the divorce and accept the hurt and disappointment. I long ago stopped missing my ex wife but Dang...I miss being married. I miss the feeling that I really matter to someone. I miss...as selfish as this might sound...getting a Christmas present from someone who I am not related to by blood. It's not the present itself...it's the thought that goes into it. The idea that somebody was walking around in the mall or wherever and out of their deep, intimate knowledge of me and abiding love, they bought me something I really would enjoy. It's been 12 years since I received a gift like that. I miss mattering to somebody. I miss feeling complete in the way only marriage completes people. I miss dreaming dreams for someone and making plans and then working hard to see them come true. Working harder for their dreams than for my own. I miss my daughter an awful lot. Once a week and every other weekend has marked our relationship for 10 years now.
The future looks brighter, I am happier than I have ever been. But I will never get those ten years back. I wish I could. I will have to settle for using them to help other dad's like me. Have a great day, boys.

4 comments:

TheNewsGuy said...

IT's been ten long months since my divorce was final. I cry everyday still. I miss my four year old son, I miss my ex wife, even tho ugh I feel like she abandoned me and the dreams I thought we had. Some days it's a dark abyss that no light penetrates, others a blur with no thought processes, then there are a few I see light that dims slowly as the day drags on. I never thought it was possible to feel a pain that wasn't physically induced, but yet, made my entire body ache. I am glad I have found your blog, I am attempting to write, both short stories and daily news events. It seems to help me concentrate and I need a new career since I have also been laid off from my job for last three months. Again, I am glad to have found your blog. I didnt know other men could feel the same things I'm feeling.

CraigD2599 said...

Hey Brother...
The reason I started this blog and wrote my first book was for men like you. Thank you for your honest, heart-wrenching letter. Saying it out loud really does help. I am glad you took the time to comment and let me know this has helped in some small way. I'm always here my friend...this is my calling in life now. If I can help you in any way, let me know.
Craig

Anonymous said...

It is rather interesting for me to read this post. Thanx for it. I like such topics and anything that is connected to them. I definitely want to read a bit more soon.

Natalia said...

It was unnerving to read your posts. I am pained by your separation from your daughter. All we keep reading in the media are the problems women face after their divorces but the man's perspective is almost always forgotten. I hope you get more time to spend with your little girl.