Monday, January 30, 2012

Missing your kids...

I am going to spill a little secret about this blog. I have a webtracker installed on it that helps me track the number of visitors each day. It's useful for things like click-ad marketing and click-through counts. But for me, the most telling bit of information it provides is the search words each visitor uses when he or she finds this blog. Hands down, the number one phrase used in searches that land visitors here is some variant of "Divorced dad, misses my kids". There is no hurt on this earth like the broken heart of a dad who is feeling his fatherhood being sucked from his soul by the slow grind of visitation. Even the word is an affront. "Visitation" That's the term they use for the exact hours you may see a dead person in a coffin at a funeral home and pay your respects to the family. More appropriately, that's the term they use when you go see a prisoner...visitation. You get "X" number of minutes on "X" days each week. That's when you're see your children. There is nothing on this earth that drains the very soul from a father like visitation.
Now about that webtracker...
First of all, guys relax...I can't see who you are. I don't know your name and in many cases I can't even tell what town you are in. I simply know you as an IP address. But I see the pain in your heart.
You want to know how bad it hurts to miss your children when you are a divorced dad? Here is an idea...most of these searches occur in the wee hours. Between 10pm and 4AM. You want to know how bad a dad can hurt...imagine being sleepless and so desperate for some sort of comfort that you type "I'm a divorced dad and I miss my children" in the search bar on Google just to see if anyone is out there who can help you.
That is pain.
Those of you who don't know first-hand what a divorce does to the heart of a should read some of these search phrases sometime.
Please pray for this blog as I aim it in a slightly new direction and as I become more active with it. It's needed and there are desperate, broken hearts out there who need what this blog brings them. Please pray for me to have wisdom, to hear clearly from God so that I can bring the comfort of His word to these guys. please pray for the new venture "DadMatters" that starts this Sunday night on Blogtalk radio. Maybe we can begin seeing a few dads healed and that will enable them to become even better dads and whole men again. Maybe if we accomplish that, we can break the chain of divorce in their families forever.
To the searchers who find this site from the depths of a broken heart...
I know...I've been there. I've cried those tears in the wolf hour when you wished for peace but only found turmoil. I've seen myself in the mirror and only saw a broken heart looking back. There is hope. Just up ahead, another weary traveler in this dark valley dug you a well as he journeyed through. You need to stop and take a long cool drink. You're going to make it.

** Urgent MESSAGE:
I have decided to resume broadcast of the Divorced Dad's Radio show. I did this for two years and stopped a while ago. But I can see the necessity of resuming this and giving dads an outlet for this pain we all feel. I will post details soon. PLEASE leave me a comment in the comment box if you are interested in this show.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

The Emotions of Divorce...Zombies and war wounds

I've heard it said a thousand times that divorce is like death. I agree. I've lost a few people in my lifetime whom I loved and whom I've grieved. The emotions you feel, the five stages...all that is exactly the same in a divorce.
With one painful exception...
In a divorce, the person you lost and are grieving keeps rising from the dead every time you see her when you pick up your children or drop them off. Or when you see her at your child's violin recital or Little League game. Or when you call her to discuss a school issue.
They rise from the grave of memory to haunt your heart again. It's not that you want them's the life they took when they left. It's not the nights you have your kids that make your heart's the nights you don't. It's the times you didn't tuck your daughter in and hear her prayers. It's the new man who took her training wheels off because she didn't happen to learn to balance on a two-wheeler on "your weekend".
Every time those things happen it rips the scab off the barely-healing gash in your heart and makes you bleed all over again.
I know...I get it. I've been there.
You don't so much grieve your ex-wife as you do being an ex-husband. More men than people realize, are defined by husbandship and fatherhood. gets better. You will one day begin to separate the grief into it's rightful compartments. You will wake up one day and it won't hurt anymore when you see your ex-wife or hear her voice. It's bittersweet of course.
This blog, my book, and the new radio show are designed to talk about exactly these things. Because nobody is saying them out here in this wasteland. And we dads are tired of being haunted by ghosts that just won't die.

Please spread the word about this blog, and PLEASE join us 2/5/2012 at 9PM central (Yes I know it's Superbowl Sunday but the game should be over by then) for "DadMatter" on BlogTalk radio, the link is to the right...

Monday, January 16, 2012

You are not Alone...

The hit counter on this blog has been steadily growing. More and more dads are looking for someone...for lean on and help them get through this awful and lonely process. I read the search words that some of you guys are using when you come across this blog and it breaks my heart. Phrases like "Dad misses his kids" "Daughters cries about my divorce" "Dad crying because he misses his kids". Not all of us ran off with our secretary and left our children behind. Thats just a stereotype from a long forgotten age.
I want you to know you aren't alone. I hear you. I can almost hear your voices and see your tears in the darkest nights when you miss your kids...when the house seems enormous and empty...when there seems like no reason to even go home after work because the people you love aren't there. I endured that for years. There is hope are not alone!
This afternoon I began discussions with one of several outlets where this ministry will be able to be put to work amongst groups of men who desperately need each other.
Nobody told us how this was going to hurt. We weren't prepared for this. That is why I write this blog and that is what the radio show will be about.
You Dads who have come across this blog because your heart is broken and you were needing a comforting voice in the wolf have found a home here. Jesus said "I will never leave you nor will I abandon you" He meant it.
As best I can...I will do the same for you all. Please...leave a comment. Open your hearts. Go back and read the archives. Great comfort and joy is still possible. The best is still are not alone!
Please help spread the word. Share this blog on Twitter and FB. Tell some friends. tell your minister and ask him to consider starting a support group for dads like you. Stay tuned...more info about the radio show is coming very soon.

Friday, January 13, 2012


Hey fellas...
I wrote this almost three years ago. I stumbled upon it today on one of my other blogs. It's something that never goes out of season. There is a dual lesson here for us. Our fatherhood is...or should be...a model of the loving Fatherhood of God in our lives. Let's try to aim for that...regardless of the situation our divorce left us in.

Walking this morning in the mid 20's chill and thinking as I always do.
I have a lot on my mind these days. I don't know of anyone at all who isn't effected by this economy and I am no different.
I have a lot of things weighing on me and I have a terrible problem of not going to God with them. I hold them inside and worry myself into an ulcer...or at least serious reflux.
Why do I still hold God at arm's length when I could so easily open my heart to Him and "Cast my cares and anxieties on Him because He cares for me"? (1 Peter 5:7) Listen to the LITV (Literal Translation of the Holy Bible) "casting all your anxiety onto Him, because it matters to Him concerning you" It matters to Him concerning you. If I could only grasp the depth of that! The things that make me anxious or concerned matter to Him...because they matter to me! That is how a daddy loves! My daughter has about a million irons in her fires and is going in about a million directions at once. The blessing of a very intelligent mind and a vivid imagination and a huge dose of artistic creativity has rendered a child who sees everything around her as a story to write, a song to sing, a picture to draw and something to ponder deeply. As a dad, there is nothing in her world that is so small or seemingly unimportant that I don't want to know about and involve myself in if she needs me to. In fact, if she ever feels like there is a problem too small or bothersome to bring to me...I will feel like a failure as a dad. I want to be the first one she thinks of when she has something on her mind and needs to sort it out.
This morning God showed me that He is no different. Peter tells us to cast all our cares on Him...not just the big ones, or the ones left over after we figure out our own way. God is hurt when we don't come to Him with our hopes and dreams and wishes and troubles. That's what dad's do! The Father heart is a deep ocean. It's a gifting that not everyone has, but rest assured...your Heavenly Father has it. In fact it originated with Him.
I have determined to go to Him first with everything, instead of last...with what's left. It makes Him happy to come to my aid and listen to the cares of my heart and give Him the chance to show His "daddy-ness"
These are trying times...your Father has the answers...the hard part is asking, but only because we make it hard.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Walking to adulthood...

A Father Daughter journey to adulthood

Last night began a journey for my daughter and me. I’m going to keep a journal of sorts here on this blog, so you guys can glean what wisdom you can, and maybe duplicate it in your own children.
You’ll need a little background…
In September of 2007, my church had a wonderful guest speaker named Ed Tandy McGlasson. “Big Ed” was a pro football player who now pastors a church in California and who has a very needed and blessed ministry teaching dads how to do the job better.
He teaches about our images of God as our Daddy and how that translates itself into our own parenting skills and into our relationship with God.
One of the keystones to Ed’s teaching is the pronouncement of adulthood and blessing on our kids as they reach the threshold. Sort of a “Christian Bar Mitzvah” of sorts.
So last night, Morgan and I began our journey together. In May she turns 14 and while she is very grown-up already, I wanted to wait until then to do this because I had a slightly different model in mind.
For the next five months—until her birthday—Morgan and I are doing a weekly bible study on the topics that face a young girl as she becomes a young woman. What does the Bible say a godly woman looks like? How does she resist the worlds urging to become a woman as they define it, and stay on course to be the woman God describes?  What is godliness really? What does adulthood really look like and how do I know I’ve gotten there? What is real purity? Who am I in God’s plan and how do I become that person?
These are the questions (among many others) that face a kid at this age. I know I faced them and nobody walked me through to the answers. Nobody taught me how to really study the Bible so I’d be equipped to find my own answers instead of forever being dependent on the answers of others so I am teaching her Inductive Bible study techniques.
The Bible tells us that children are like arrows. Dads…That makes us archers. In biblical days the archer made his own arrows. He found the shaft, worked it until it was straight and true, honed a point and installed it on the shaft, found just the right fletching so it would fly straight, and when he was finished building it, he marked it as his own, so anyone finding it would know who had set it to flight.
Then he found its target and sent it on its way…
That will be the hard part. Part of this five month study will be finding Morgan’s target and then beginning that final countdown to the day when God whispers in my ear “That’s her mark…let her fly” . It will be hard and bittersweet and I want her to be ready.
This journey is the first big step toward that day. I invite all you dad’s…divorced or not…to come with us as I chronicle it here. I hope you’ll give lots of input as well…I can use the wisdom.
Day one was last night with a study of Proverbs 31—the description of a godly woman.
Day two dawns to find a dad with a huge challenge ahead…and a daughter worth the work it will take.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Call to Arms...

Hey men...
I've checked into pricing for an internet radio show and it's not bad. However, it's more than I can do alone. The basic package, which gives me two hours per day and up to 50 callers is $39 per month or $399 for a one year commitment. I'm looking for show sponsors. We can to advertisements if it fits with someones business. Trying to think of how that would work, what kind of businesses would benefit from a call-in show. maybe a family law practice or a counselor who specializes in helping divorced men.
Let me know if you have any ideas or possible sponsors. Thanks everyone!
REALLY looking forward to getting started!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Happy New Year, Dads

Hey guys...
I'm sorry I've been so slacking on this blog. I've been so busy with work and school and trying to put my life back together that I really let this blog...and this ministry...slip.
That changes today.
I have a few announcements to share here about the future of SDC and this blog and the book. So without further ado...
As you may or may not know, I am completing my Bachelors degree via Liberty University Online. I will graduate in May, a mere 28 years after first arriving on campus in Lynchburg Virgina. (I attended L.U. for two years and played men's hockey there.)
My major has changed from Pre-Med to Religion, with an emphasis on ministry. I have also taken extra classes in Life Coaching and I am certified in that field and looking forward to beginning that career immediately.
As part of a Church Ministries class last semester, I had to take an online ministry gifts evaluation. My strengths were--in order-- Pastor / Shepherd, Teacher, Administrator. Now I have NO desire to pastor a church. But I have begun to see this blog and this area of need as a chance to function as a pastor of sorts, to men going through divorce and life after. We are frequently overlooked and I think it's a perfect fit.
So to facilitate this new and exciting's what lies ahead;
*Live call-in talk show
I am setting up the machinery for hosting an Internet talk show for divorced dads and anyone who knows and loves them. I have a host of good topics already spinning in my head and the show will be VERY listener driven. I am lining up guests and topics and doing research for this project and hope to kick us off next month. As I get closer to a launch date, I hope you guys will help spread the word.
* Pod casts
I am beginning to catalog my writings and journals into something I can record for uploading via MP3 players of computer listening. The spoken word sometimes lends extra emotion and I'd love to begin offering these lessons and teachings free for you dads to have at your disposal for encouragement, uplifting, wisdom, maybe a laugh or two when you need one, and ideas on not just surviving this wreckage of divorce...but finding life and light and happiness once again.
* Speaking
I LOVE public speaking! I's madness. I suppose I'll have to find something else to be sorely afraid of since most people fear speaking only slightly less than death by drowning or fire. But I am looking for speaking opportunities on the topics we dads face. I'd love to see some of you guys in the crowd as these opportunities open up
* Revise / re-release of my book
"Sometimes Daddies Cry" is now four years old. It's hard to believe I wrote that book in the winter of 2007 but it's true. I was such a raw an unproven writer back then. I have decided that sometime this year I need to re-write the book to update both where I am in my own journey and what new lessons I've learned and also because I think I'm much better at my craft than I was when I wrote the original.
I am going to try to get this done by summer but with my schedule it's hard to say.
* Interaction on this blog
I am actually trying to set up a website for myself where I can condense all my books and blog-links and information onto one page. I have NO working knowledge of site building and can't afford a pro. So bear with me. But one thing I'd like is more interaction with you guys. IN the form of live chat or message boards or whatever.
* Ministry
The word probably sounds really religious. For that I apologize. But I have to tell you...I have a web tracker on this blog. I use it to track trends and usage. One of the functions is that I can see what search words and phrases were used by folks who find this page. I have to say it's heart breaking. Dads...listen...I know you're hurting. I was and still am many times. This pain is unlike anything we were told about and we weren't ready for it. Holidays, birthdays, weekends...just coming home from work on any given night to a house with no children can be soul-killing.
This page is for you guys! I have shed the most anguished tears and screamed the most vile obscenities as God from the depths of the pain I was in. I am often still in that pain at various times. I will only tell you there is hope.
This blog...and my future endeavors...are aimed at helping you (and me) not just "get through it", but overcome, thrive, and show the world we are world class fathers despite our marital status.
You are NOT ALONE!
I love you guys...there is hope.