Sunday, January 29, 2012

The Emotions of Divorce...Zombies and war wounds

I've heard it said a thousand times that divorce is like death. I agree. I've lost a few people in my lifetime whom I loved and whom I've grieved. The emotions you feel, the five stages...all that is exactly the same in a divorce.
With one painful exception...
In a divorce, the person you lost and are grieving keeps rising from the dead every time you see her when you pick up your children or drop them off. Or when you see her at your child's violin recital or Little League game. Or when you call her to discuss a school issue.
They rise from the grave of memory to haunt your heart again. It's not that you want them back...it's the life they took when they left. It's not the nights you have your kids that make your heart ache...it's the nights you don't. It's the times you didn't tuck your daughter in and hear her prayers. It's the new man who took her training wheels off because she didn't happen to learn to balance on a two-wheeler on "your weekend".
Every time those things happen it rips the scab off the barely-healing gash in your heart and makes you bleed all over again.
I know...I get it. I've been there.
You don't so much grieve your ex-wife as you do being an ex-husband. More men than people realize, are defined by husbandship and fatherhood.
Men...it gets better. You will one day begin to separate the grief into it's rightful compartments. You will wake up one day and it won't hurt anymore when you see your ex-wife or hear her voice. It's bittersweet of course.
This blog, my book, and the new radio show are designed to talk about exactly these things. Because nobody is saying them out here in this wasteland. And we dads are tired of being haunted by ghosts that just won't die.

Please spread the word about this blog, and PLEASE join us 2/5/2012 at 9PM central (Yes I know it's Superbowl Sunday but the game should be over by then) for "DadMatter" on BlogTalk radio, the link is to the right...

10 comments:

David Warner said...

I've just gone through a relationship breakdown involving my 3 children.i miss them so much and I'm a emotional wreck everyday.ive lost my job over this .and I admit I do cry a lot now .I miss my kids .

Unknown said...

I have 5 kids ages 9 through 18. I know the pain too well
I was the faithful person who believed in vows. Little did I know how much pain her repeated adulterous life style would of caused. I feel totally riped off, not living with my kids, leaves a scar so deep it doesn't seem to go away. Its only has been a couple of years but concerned how long will this void last?

Bruce Stiglic said...

I have 5 kids ages 9 through 18. I know the pain too well
I was the faithful person who believed in vows. Little did I know how much pain her repeated adulterous life style would of caused. I feel totally riped off, not living with my kids, leaves a scar so deep it doesn't seem to go away. Its only has been a couple of years but concerned how long will this void last?

unknown said...

Having went through the most horrable experience imagable, I can say I learned how to fight back..Do not count on the lawyers or jubges to help you. They are in it for the money only. You are their atm..Cut that supply now!! If the woman is a good women, you are seeing your kids and raising them together in different homes. If she uses your children against you, she is a bad women and this is when you use the tools made for her, against her.. Call DHS whenever you see a scratch, bruse,anything that looks like any sort of abuse.File a contempt when she refuses to let you see your child. Join fathers rights groups and stick together. Keep track of Everything especially the times you have your child. Use everything against her.. When the powers that be see your not playing their game, you have a better chance. I had to deal with so many people and can tell you there was only three men. My attorney, my childrens attorney and the judge. Divorce is a womens world and you have to learn how to use their tools without funding the system. I went from paying over 4,500 a month during my Divorce to my ex for child support, morgage, bills, taxes..etc.. I only made 3,500 a month. Was living with my 70 year old Mother on a fixed income. The wanted me to break and leave my children but I stayed strong and fought back on my own. NO ONE can win this but YOU!! Get nasty and stay strong. If she cries, remember her real face when it was you.The system needs tore down!!ALWAYS remembet that these are YOUR children too. May the powers that be, be with the Fathers without their child. Put that on a shirt and sell it!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

My daughter is 2 yrs now I missed her second birthday the mother took her interstate. I can't even look at photos it's too painful to even enjoy happy moments and find myself becoming desensitised to the photos and videos these days. I feel nothing but anger and betrayal, and I'm only at the start of divorce proceedings.

Anonymous said...

My wife and I have been separated for almost a yr now and I know what you are feeling...and about to be feeling. My 2 kids were 5 yrs old and 7 mos when we separated and she kept them from me for 6 mos other than 3-4 hrs one day a week. It hurt to the core not to be able to see my kids during that period. In October I was finally given bi-weekly joint custody because I didnt give up. You cant let the anger, depression, and anxiety over shadow the main focus. I spoke with a counselor to get myself on the rt track of how I needed to prepare for what was coming. It shed a lot of light on things such as how i needed to channel the pain and anger into ambition and love. Looking at those photos should be your ambition to get your daughter back. I dont know the relationship between you and your wife, but that is also something that is an important factor. Regardless of if you guys want to work on the marriage or not, it's important for your daughter to see you guys have a cordial relationship. I personally took time to think about our issues and how I personally contributed or could have made them better. It's not taking the blame, but taking responsibility for your part because we all like to think it's one-sided but it's not. I also had to learn not to hold it all in...dont be too much of a man to cry. I held it in so much, that I finally broke down because the anxiety built up. I was always thinking about my wife, my kids, the possibility of losing them, us having to move on....the thoughts just pile up. The actual betrayal is going to be actual during divorce, but you have to channel through it and focus on your daughter, dont become bitter because thats whats expected.

Jason Smith said...

Me a my wy wife where together for ten years, married for five. She was the light of my life.Some personal thigs happen about six months back that drug me through a terrible deppression. I allowed it to affect my relationship with my wife, and she desided she had had enough. My wife picked up the kids from school and checked herself into a YMCA shelter with my two boys. I also have a daughter from another marriage that I take care of as well. She is heart broken. They where just starting to connect after a year of them at each other's throat, But now I have a gorgeous little twelve year old girl, that I have to be strong for. I have to be honest, I haven't been very strong. I miss the noises, their hollaring, the random farts and giggles. I miss my wife of course, but the hole in my heart is filled every time they walk in the door, and poured out every time they leave. They keep asking when they get to come home for good. I'm so lost... I don't have the words... My daughter misses the boys so bad, she's mad at me ever time they leave. I disconnected from all of my friends during my depression. I'm trying to keep my head up but the night just gets longer and my sleep get shorter.

Eric Frickey said...

I haven't seen my daughter in over a year! Her mom took her from me and is hiding her. I cant even talk to her on the phone. All of this is legal because I cant afford a lawyer and there is no custody on paper. I am sick. I have cried so many times. I was a stay at home dad because my exwife made so much money. I went from having my daughter every moment to not at all. The courts dont care. Im so alone.

Anonymous said...

I lost my Dad to divorce as a young 8 year old boy. I was raised to believe that he was an abusive man who "didn't love us anyway". Years later, I was blessed to get two wonderful children of my own. My daughter now 16 and my son is 10. My wife and I split up almost 2 years ago and I've seen my kids twice since that horrible day. To date, I have not recovered, can't find work, have no money and been living out of bags, floating between helpful friends on other continents, trying unsuccessfully to reestablish some form of existence and meaning. With everything that has happened in my life, which is much, I have never felt so alone and empty as I ponder what could have been with my wife and children. I was desperate for the things that happened in my parents marriage to not happen in mine and that is precisely what has occurred. It's devastating and I yearn for resolve to prevent my children from going through the same torment. Death seems way less painful than having to endure this!

Debabrat said...

I am going through this nightmare and don't know when it will end. Feel every word written by you here. Tried everything I could to give my daughter a life she deserves but my heart aches everyday on the thought of her future. What she would go through when she is growing up. The pain is more cause I know she would end up being the woman her mother is tomorrow. I fear that The upbringing and the values that she would get from my ex and my ex mother in law would make her the monster her mother is today. How m praying that my blood in her veins shows its strength someday n she gets to judge the good from the bad n lead a happy n content life hereafter!