Thursday, July 17, 2008

The Things You Lose Part 5

Todays Topic...contentment

con?tent?ment ?? (kn-tntmnt) KEY ?


The state of being contented; satisfaction.
A source of satisfaction: the contentments of a comfortable retirement.

I was beginning to worry about having another topic to write about here. Many of the subjects I've written about overlap other subjects so my original list of about a dozen items was whittled down simply by writing what I've written thus far.
But this morning I was sitting here pondering this blog and the list I've submitted so far and it dawned on me that amongst the things I lost was my sense of contentment.
I love the definition above. It's near perfect.
When I was married I was very contented. I was very satisfied. And, like the second line says, I enjoyed the contentments of husbandship and fatherhood.
Is this to say we had all we wonated and things were perfect? Obviously not or we'd still be together. But in my heart I was content because at that point I thought my search was over. I had found what I longed for and together we had brought a wonderful little girl into the world. Everything from that point on was icing on my cake...a gift from God...the bow on my present.
I was contented that I had someone to work for and achieve dreams with. Content that I was the daddy of the greatest little girl in all the world and that contentment was the fuel which drove me and the light in whatever darkness came our way.
Maybe I was going to be restless in other areas of decisions, where we'd live, what kind of house we'd buy, where we'd go to church, etc. But who I got there with was settled and I was very contented with that part of my life. "Go ahead and rock my boat if you want, world..." I thought to myself..."I am content inside with my wife and my child." With them at my side all you are is a storm and some big waves. I wasn't driven by desire for exorbitant wealth or fame or materials things. Whatever we could achieve together was going to be plenty for me because I was content with those I loved. The picture frame had a picture in it finally, and that equipped me to face the dragons each day.
But these last 8 years have stripped that contentment from me. A job that I once liked and appreciated and was content with because it was going to allow me to provide for my family, was now just a drudgery and I hated it most days.
When we moved here from the Wilmington DE, I was moving here to start a life with my wife and the child we were expecting. I LOVE my home and I miss my family and friends. But I was content to move here because my wife needed to live where she was comfortable and I was content if she was content. So I left family and friends and familiarity and was content to start a life...just us...and see what we could make of it.
Without the source of my contentment I find myself picking this place apart. It will never be home for me, I'm afraid, and I will never lose the longing in my heart to be home. Home where I consider it to be anyway.
I hate my job. Plain and simple. I long ago grew weary of the mortgage business. I am good at it so I stay with it. A bachelors in Pre Med biology doesn't get you much accept med school and I can't go there. So I write loans...when I can...and grow more discontented each minute with my vocation.
I am no longer content with my life. When Morgan is with me it is different, but mostly, it's mundane and drab. (not depressing mind you, just dull) Contentment adds life. It adds hope and brightness. When you are content with the biggest parts of your life you can explore other areas that need attention. Maybe you make a career move or maybe you don't. maybe you try writing a book or a song or painting a picture. You feel a safe haven in the happy contentment of your little patch of Earth. From that center you can move about the place...further knowing who you are as an individual and as a couple and a family.
Since my divorce, I only see myself as stuck in a place I like visiting but where I don't want to remain forever. I see myself as working a job I don't like because I don't have many options and my daughter matters too much to me to not provide for her. I long for the older, better days, where my friends were just a phone call away. I was contented with where things were heading. Now I don't always know where they are heading, and that leaves me very discontented indeed.

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