Thursday, July 10, 2008

60 days of Happy

This is a repost from my other blogsite. I posted this a few days ago. I will periodically be transferring stuff over here from that site if it deals with the divorce topics.
Hope you enjoy...

Halfway to nowhere...
Today is July 7. In 24 days I return to the land of the undead, or so it seems.
Morgan lives with me in June and July and then we return to the once a week and every other weekend thing for the remaining ten months.
I hate it. Remember the scene in "Wizard of Oz" where the witch produces a huge hourglass and tells Dorothy that she has until the sand runs out to give up the ruby slippers or everyone gets whacked? Dorothy keeps trying to turn over the hourglass to extend her time but no matter which direction the hourglass is pointing, the sand keeps running out.
Time waits for no man.
In June and July I feel normal. I feel like a dad. Morgan and I have breakfast together for more than two days in a row. I tuck her in and say prayers together with her more than twice. We do the things she loves doing. Swimming, riding bikes, catching lightning bugs. Lighting fireworks.
We talk a lot about a lot of things. She is growing up so quickly. Words cannot describe my love for her. I see her everywhere in everything. All my future plans depend on her dreams and hopes. All my energy and effort is directed towards fulfilling her "wish list" and seeing her become the wonderful, beautiful, sweet young lady she is rapidly becoming.
Every day I pray for more wisdom than I had yesterday, just to keep up.
But August 1 is coming. All summer long, while I am enjoying her presence and cramming all the fun I can into two months; in the back of my mind is that hourglass...and the sand won't slow down for me. I try to forget about it and enjoy the day but lurking in the background is that mental calender, and the pages keep turning.
I hate this existence. I know she does too. One of the reasons God hates divorce is what I am writing about today. He hates what it does to the normal order of things.
But things are as they are and there is no way to ever put that toothpaste back into the tube.
So I do all I can to squeeze all the life and love I can into our 60 days together.
Then it's back to my measured, controlled alternating weekends and Tuesdays. And back to grey colorless pages.
Morgan is the sun in my universe....the warm breeze at the end of winter...the rain on dry ground.
For those who have asked why I don't just move back home where I am happier and amongst family and friends, this is why. Imagine me without seeing her each week.
...curled up in the fetal position in a darkened room...
So I fore go the chance to be with my family and my childhood friends and the sights and sounds and smells of my birthplace and I remain here. A fish slightly out of water, but near to the dearest person I know in my world.
In June and July this is's home and it's happy and it's a lot like the way I hoped it would be. The rest of the year, it's just nowhere. Just a place I eat sleep and work and bide my time from Tuesday to Tuesday and weekend to alternating weekend, waiting for the next summer and the chance to be somewhere again.

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