Just got off the phone with Morgan a few minutes ago. Because of some odd scheduling issues and other stuff, I've not been able to see for her a while. This past phone conversation was a revelation to me because she was telling me something, but not directly.
She told me about her friend Tara who's daddy passed away 3 years ago. Tara's mom is now on an oxygen tank. I don't know what the ailment is, but Morgan is worried because I think she is concerned her friend might become an orphan.
Then she told me about a friend of her mom's husband who committed suicide this morning. He had a struggling business and the money problems and problems on the home front pushed him over his limit. He left behind two young boys, about my daughters age.
I fear we are going to be seeing a lot more stories like this in coming days. It's getting really bad out there, and not everyone has a basis for their hope. I have my Faith, but to be honest, it isn't always enough. Let me rephrase that...my Faith is more than enough, but I don't always let it take it's proper place in my life and therefore I restrict it being enough.
I have been where that guy was, just maybe not quite that desperate. But I have thought about the value of my own life and wouldn't it be easier if I just wasn't here? Honestly, who amongst us hasn't been there at least once? I'm not saying I actually considered suicide, but I've thought about how much better it would be to not be in so much pain inside. I've seen those news reports where some poor guy, usually described as an "estranged husband" takes a gun, kills his kids, his ex, and then turns the gun on himself. I can say honestly, I know how that kind of pain feels. I can also say that without some sort of base for sanity, like my Faith in Christ, I'd be that guy. Divorce can hurt so much that the wound feels like it won't ever close, and over time, that can rid a person of all hope. I spent time reassuring my daughter tonight, that her mom and dad won't ever do that to her...at least not willingly. I have dropped 26 pounds, Holly has always been very health conscious, and we are determined to stick around for Morgan for a very long time. Tonight, having not seen her daddy for a while, and having heard stories of abandonment in it's very worst form, she needed to hear my voice, and to hear me tell her that I won't ever take that path. I am doing what I must to remain in her life and be her dad...as God intended. I may not do everything the way I should...but I won't quit on her, no matter how tough things get. She has my word on it.
Sometimes we get there in our spiritual lives as well. We think our heavenly Father has left us on our own. He hasn't, of course, and He hasn't even done anything to intimate that He has abandoned us. But we see our situations and we think that what we see is what is. The fact is His word says "I will never leave you or forsake you". Just like my daughter...we have His word on it.